Failure
by jibber59
Summary: He tried to warn them that things were not going according to plan. Now the consequences might be more than any of them anticipated. (rating for described violence and some adult language)
1. Chapter 1

Chris realized if he didn't intervene within the next minute or two, there were a limited number of outcomes he'd have to deal with, none of which appealed to him. The first was that the best undercover agent he'd ever worked with was going to quit his job. Or, that same agent was about to be fired for gross insubordination toward the regional director of the ATF. Or he would be arrested for assault on the county district attorney. Or any combination of the above. Any way he broke it down, he'd end up short one agent. An agent he could neither afford to, nor wanted to lose.

It was only a last-minute move that enabled him to grab at Ezra's sleeve as the man made a move to charge at the DA.

"Ezra – sit." Standish refused to follow the order, but did take a step back, growling quietly under his breath.

"Look Standish – we aren't ready to close this operation. I told you when it started, we aren't shutting things down until we get the main supplier, and so far, we've got only middlemen.

"You're on the edge of a gang war, and if that happens there are going to be a lot of innocent bystanders taken down in the process. You ready to take responsibility for that?"

"Not my responsibility – you're the one tasked with bringing me the head man. The fact that you have been to busy fooling around on this isn't on me."

"What the hell do you mean foolin' around. He's been workin' his ass of on this for over three weeks."

"I thank you Chris, but there is no need for you to defend me to these men. It is simply a waste of your energy given they are ill equipped to understand the intricacies of undercover operations – or any genuine work."

"Work my ass – you should have everything you need by now. You've been to busy enjoying the perks of undercover to focus on the task at hand."

Chris's jaw dropped as Ezra stared speechless at the man. "Perks?" Chris was able to squeak out. "Perks like living in a dive, watching over your shoulder constantly praying no one recognizes you, or just plain freaks out and kills you for sport? Perks like that?"

"Come on Larabee – we all know Standish lives for the thrill of the chase. And living in his present accommodations can't be all bad. I am given to understand the ladies he is surrounded by will do anything – and I do mean anything – to get their next fix." He grinned wolfishly at Ezra, failing to notice the anger building. He was saved a black eye only by the quick actions of the ATF director, who stepped between Ezra and his target. It didn't stop Ezra from voicing his opinion.

"Those 'ladies' are mostly underage kids you pervert. The whole reason I have put up with your crap this long is to try to help them. The fact that you don't understand that makes me seriously question your suitability for the job you hold." Ezra twisted himself free of the director's hold and without looking back stormed from the room.

"I have to hold you back as well Larabee?"

"No sir – he's not worth the paperwork I'd have to fill out. Just keep him the hell away from me, and from the team. Can't say that some of the others have the same aversion to paperwork that I do."

He caught up with Ezra just as the elevator door was about to close. "You OK?"

"No Chris, I am not OK. I am fighting an overwhelming desire to do severe damage to that man, or anyone else who gets in my way at the moment. This entire situation is going to turn ugly quickly and, contrary to the opinions just presented, there is not a damn thing I can do about it."

"What makes you so sure it's all about to come to a head?"

"I cannot give you a specific reason. There is no one circumstance I can point to, but the tension in the neighbourhood is escalating. There's been significantly more activity from outside gangs, and I know Henderson is getting anxious. He hasn't been able to reach his supplier for a couple of days to finish our deal, and he's afraid I'm going to exercise my wrath on him if this buy falls through. I can't exactly play kind and forgiving since I am supposedly a ruthless drug dealer trying to establish a new base."

They'd reached the basement of the building and Chris began walking Ezra toward the back entrance that would let him leave as he had entered – unseen by anyone watching the building. "You safe in there?"

"At this point I have no reason to believe anyone has any suspicions or concerns about my character. They see me as someone who seems to be reasonably friendly toward them, while looking to eliminate some of the opposing gangs. So, for now, I am welcomed." He paused, looking suddenly more tired than Chris could remember seeing. "That block, that house, where they operate. It is a target. And if it was only the dealers I could almost live with that. But it's not. It has become almost like a haven for many of the people in the neighbourhood. Not just the junkies Chris, but the kids. There are children in there, and if things go bad…" he couldn't bring himself to finish the thought.

"Ezra – you have to stay detached. You have to stay out of that end of it."

"I am fully aware of my role and responsibilities."

"I know that. I also know you are a lot less tough than you let on – especially when kids are in the picture." Ezra sighed, but didn't challenge the claim. "Look, what if we send in child welfare? We can say there have been complaints, maybe something from the schools. They can haul the kids out of there for a few days at least. With any luck, we can wrap this up before they have to release them. And maybe some of the kids can actually get some help as a result."

"It'll be risky for the social workers. Why do you think they haven't gone in before this?"

"OK – so Josiah and Nathan can be the social workers, or at least can be part of the team. That'll give some protection. I'll get the wheels turning and try to arrange the visit for tomorrow."

Ezra nodded slightly. "Better than nothing. You can tell them there are three kids under 10 as well as a baby. And a couple of the mothers are under 18 too."

"Seriously?"

"It's like a daycare in there Chris. Sadly, it's usually safer than being on the streets. I better get going."

Chris watched as Ezra slipped out quietly. He couldn't recall seeing the man this down during an operation before. There was always a degree of isolation, and the feelings of solitude that went with that, but this was more. Clearly, he had come to care about those children, and the young mothers as well. Chris could only hope when the time came, Ezra would remember where his responsibility rested.

He headed back to the elevators to start the rescue plan in motion. He wasn't surprised to see several of the rest of the team waiting there for him.

"We heard what went down in the meeting. Ezra OK?" Vin looked worried.

"What do you mean you heard? It was a closed meeting."

"There was a computer in the room, and we have JD. What do you think we mean?" Buck answered.

Chris looked around and realized the young computer expert was nowhere to be seen. "He giving me time to cool off?" Buck nodded. "Better be a lot of time. You bugged the assistant director's office?"

"He left the computer on. That was like an invitation."

"That's not really the issue at the moment. You didn't answer Vin. Is Ezra OK?"

"No, he's not Josiah. He's mad, and he frustrated, and he's scared for a bunch of kids he can't help. If this does go south and anything happens to those kids he is not gonna be any to forgiving of himself or the idiots running this show. Nathan, I need you to call some of your contacts at Child Welfare Services – we are getting involved. When JD comes out of hiding, get him to set up a couple of cover IDs for us. That's the best we can do for now. Have the DA and regional director left the building?" Getting a nod from Vin for response, Chris continued. "I'm gonna go talk to Judge Travis and see if there is any way we can speed all this up. And tell JD not to listen in this time."

An hour later Chris came back to the team's office. There was little chatter going on, a sure sign of tension. He answered the questions before they could be asked. "Control of the op is out of his hands, since the DA's office started this in motion. We can pull Ezra, but we can't make the bust, and you know he won't leave a job half done. What about Child Welfare?"

Nathan looked up from his computer. "They don't want to send anyone in, but when we explained there'd be two cops undercover with them, and some uniforms as escorts they said they could set something up. Likely late tomorrow afternoon or next morning. Not as soon as we'd like but the best they'd offer."

"OK – in the mean time we'll see –" Chris was cut off my a squeal from JDs computer. The young agent looked at the screen, his face going pale as he read.

"I set it up to monitor for 911 or police calls at any of the addresses related to Ezra. All hell is breaking loose at the main house. They're sending a dozen cars and ambulances. I don't know what it is – but it's bad."

 _7-7-7-7-7-7-7_

Chaos was really the only word that could be used to describe the scene the team drove up to. Dozens for flashing red lights shone on buildings up and down the street. Police cars created barricades at each end while ambulances lined the way. The crews sat quietly, no work to be done. There was only one emergency vehicle were any activity could be seen, and there was no sense of urgency to the actions.

Chris stormed through, waving his badge at anyone who tried to stop them. He was finally brought to a halt on house away from his destination. A plain clothes cop blocked his path.

"I'm Detective Shelton, and if you want to give me a reason for letting you in, you best slow down and talk to me. Don't give a damn about you badge, you got no jurisdiction here."

Chris pulled the man aside from the gathered crowd. "Chris Larabee – ATF. We have a man in there working on a gun and drug operation."

"Shit. I hate to be the one to tell you Larabee, but if you had a man in there, you've lost him. Shooters didn't leave anybody alive."

 ** _M7-M7-M7-M7-M7-M7-M7_**

tbc


	2. Chapter 2

Chris said nothing, absorbing the news. Buck and Vin had been close enough to hear, and their reactions immediately cued the others in on the situation. No one could speak. After a moment, the detective in charge spoke again. "Based on what we've put together so far it took only a couple of minutes. Needless to say, in a neighbourhood like this, no one reported anything, and nobody saw anything. So far, we've got 8 bodies, and still looking through. Who's your man?"

Chris fought to find his voice. "Standish. He'd been working about 3 weeks as a new buyer in the neighbourhood. I was meeting with him less than two hours ago. This shouldn't have happened."

"Two hours?" Chris nodded. "Come with me." He led Chris toward the ambulance with the active crew. "Wait here."

The detective closed the distance in a few steps and spoke to the medic. "He said anything yet?"

"Nope. In shock. We were just about to take him to the hospital. Does we need a cop with us?"

"Let you know in a second." He walked back to Chris. "There was a guy inside when we got here. First on the scene thought he was the shooter but it only took a minute to see that wasn't it. He had so much blood on him we figured he must be hurt bad, but looks like he got here after the shooting. Tried to help but there was no one left. He was holding onto a little kid, just rocking back and forth. Hasn't said a word. I'm thinking since he got here after the shooting…" He stepped back to let Chris advance on the ambulance.

Relief was almost immediately replaced by concern. Ezra was covered in blood, but seemed unaware of it. Of anything. He stared toward the house, even though from his position in the vehicle he clearly couldn't seen anything. As Chris moved to climb into the back the rest of the team saw Ezra alive. JD moved forward first barely able to contain himself. Buck was in a better spot to see the shock on Ezra's face and grabbed at the young agent, pulling him back. "Don't – you'll spook him." JD looked puzzled, then took another look.

"Ah geez. Buck, is he ok?"

"Don't know. Let's just let Chris figure this out. Come on guys – give 'em room."

Chris had pulled the door closed behind him, taking a spot on the stretcher beside his agent. "Ezra – can you hear me? Are you hurt?" He got no reaction. "Ezra, you need to talk to me. You need to tell me what happened here. I know you weren't here when it happened, but you got to have an idea who did this. Come on Ezra – talk to me."

Ezra didn't move, so Chris did. He switched seats, moving to sit across from the stretcher. He reached out, taking Ezra's face in his hands. "Standish – look at me. Listen to me. We need to figure this out. Look at me damn it."

Ezra blinked, moving his head slightly. Chris loosened his grip and the stunned agent leaned back. His voice was so quiet Chris wasn't entirely sure he was hearing him properly. "They're all dead Chris. Everybody. They shot 'em all."

"I know Ezra. We thought you were in there too."

"Should have been. Deserved to be."

"This isn't your fault Ezra. Ezra?" Again there was no response. Chris could see his friend's eyes had glazed over again. How much he was hearing was impossible to judge, but he was reacting to nothing.

"OK Ezra, you just stay here for a minute. I'm gonna get some clean clothes for you, then we're gonna take you outta here. Maybe a ride to the ranch? Fresh air will do you good, and it's been a while since you saw Chaucer." Chris did his best to keep his voice calm, fighting off the slow building panic. He pulled out his cell phone and a moment later was speaking to Vin.

"You or any of the guys got something clean we can put on Ezra? Got to get him outta this mess he's wearing. Aside from what it's doing to him, I sure the locals will want if for evidence."

"I'll grab my gym bag. Got some clean workout gear there. Not up to his usual standard, but I'm sure this one time he'll let it pass. Here – talk to Buck" he handed over the phone and ran to his car for the supplies.

"Spoke to the detective Chris. He figures they've got enough forensics here to get what they are going to need. Wants to talk to Ezra, but will hold off until tomorrow. JD already emailed him fingerprints so they know which ones they can delete from the investigation. We got lucky – this guy seems to have his head screwed on straight, and isn't afraid to share information."

"Good – Ezra doesn't need any more pressure right now."

"How is he?"

"In shock – bad. He wasn't hurt, but he isn't coping with this at all."

"Not surprised – most of the cops and CSIs coming outta there look pretty damn green, and they knew what they were walking into."

"And they didn't know the victims."

"That too. We taking him home?"

"To the ranch. Thought Chaucer might be good for him."

"Good plan. Let us know what you need. Vin's about to knock on your door."

Chris hung up and opened the door a few inches. He reached a hand out and took the clothing. Vin clearly wanted to come in, but backed off when he saw the expression on Chris's face.

"You should know – the DA just pulled up. Heard him say something about waiting for more cameras before he makes his announcement on the situation. Pretty obvious he has elections in mind. We got a circus in the making."

"Damn. OK – I'm gonna get our boy fixed up. Bring my truck over so he doesn't have to walk by that place again." "You got it."

"Ezra – do you think you can get yourself changed? We need the clothes your wearing, and I think you'd feel better in something clean." When he got no response, Chris sighed softly. This wasn't going to be easy, especially in a confined space. He moved next to Ezra again, and reached up to start unbuttoning the shirt. He was surprised but pleased to have his hands pushed gently away, as Ezra took over the task. A few minutes later the clothing had been bagged up, and most of the blood wiped off Ezra's hands, arms and face. He hadn't spoken, but did seem a bit more energetic than he'd been.

Chris had seen the truck pull up near the ambulance, and figured now was as good a time as any. "We'll get away from all this and give you a chance to catch your breath." He opened the door and hopped down, holding a hand out to encourage the shell-shocked agent to follow. After several seconds, Ezra stood and jumped down beside him. They had taken a few steps toward the van when the area brightened with TV camera lights. Chris moved quickly to block Ezra, but saw with relief the cameras weren't pointed toward them, but aimed squarely at DA Lambert. Chris proceeded to the truck, but Ezra froze in place, listening to Lambert. "I cannot express my sorrow over the lives lost here today. While it is true there was a criminal element which we had under surveillance, we were completely unaware of the children and young mothers living in such conditions. I can assure you that every action will be taken to find the perpetrators, and ensure that in the future situations such as this do not have the opportunity to fester."

Buck saw the reaction from Ezra, and moved quickly to cut off the suddenly animated agent. "Don't Ezra – he ain't worth it." Ezra struggled to get free of the grip Buck had him in. "Please Ezra – don't do this. It's not the time." Chris had now seen the problem, as had the rest of the team. They formed a circle enclosing Ezra, hoping he would see it a support and not censure.

"He's lying, and they're buying it."

"And we will find a way to let people know that. But not here, and not now. Please Ezra. You'll get yourself fired, and if you don't, you'll get your face all over the 6 o'clock news, and that won't do anybody any good."

"That doesn't matter Chris."

"The hell it doesn't"

"No, I mean it. I'm done with this. Fired or quit – makes no difference. I'm done." Ezra slumped weakly, energy gone as quickly as it had come. Josiah was closest, and grabbed him as he faded. He was all but carried to the car, still shielded from any onlookers.

Chris turned his glare back to Lambert. If there hadn't been a more pressing concern, he might have finished what Ezra tried to start. Instead, there were decisions to be made. He turned back to the men. "OK, I'll drive Ezra out to the ranch, while you guys get what you can from Shelton."

"Don't think that's the best idea Chris. Ezra doesn't need your kind of pressure right now"

"I'm not going to pressure him into anything Buck."

"Not on purpose, but your as mad as a hatter right now, and he's gonna know that and want to fix it."

"Well I doubt you'll be any better right now. Let's face it – you can be a bit overwhelming yourself at times."

"I'll take him. That way, if he needs any medical attention, I'll be there for him."

"He doesn't need your fussing Nathan – or yours Josiah. The two of you will be all over him like a mother hen."

"Well I don't think you'd be much different kid – I can feel the tension coming from you, so he sure will."

"Gentlemen." They all turned, surprised at the arrival of Judge Travis. "I think your discussion is somewhat moot at this point, as Vin drove off with Ezra a couple of minutes ago." Chris turned to see the empty spot where the truck had been. They all had the grace to look embarrassed. "If the worst crime you are ever accused of is caring too much about a friend, you've led a good life." The judge smiled at them. "All of you head out. I'll keep an eye on this foolishness, and make sure things don't get too far out of hand. Your job is Ezra Standish. Take care of him."

Chris headed over to Vin's jeep, grabbing the spare key from under the floor mat, as the others headed to the team truck. He caught the eye of Detective Shelton, who nodded slightly. Watching the men drive off, he looked back at the crime scene, shook his head in disgust at the grandstanding of the DA and said a quick prayer for the mental health of the ATF agent.

The ranch house was quiet when the arrived. Vin's jacket had been tossed on a chair, the only evidence, other than the truck, that they had arrived. Looking around, JD was the one to spot that the barn door had been opened. Knowing Ezra would be taking comfort in a visit with Chaucer, the men headed out back to join them. As they neared, Vin's voice called out to them from the stables.

"Go back to the house. Everybody go back. Ezra doesn't want anyone here right now. He can't get rid of me, but I think the rest of you best stay away." He was trying to sound as calm as possible, but the tension in his voice and words was clear. Chris pointed to the house and, with reluctance, the men turned. He moved slowly toward the building, trying to keep out of the line of sight of the men inside. Obviously, he was less than successful. "It's OK Chris. Ezra says you can come in – alone."

Walking in, Chris had to fight to keep his face neutral. Ezra stood next to his beloved Chaucer, one hand brushing his mane, the other holding a gun.

 _M7-M7-M7-M7-M7-M7-M7_

 _tbc_


	3. Chapter 3

Vin was several feet away, leaning against hay bales. He looked relaxed at first glance, but Chris could see the man was ready to leap at the first hint of movement from Ezra.

"Mr. Larabee, would you please escort Mr. Tanner away from here. He will not listen to my request."

"What's with the 'Mister' nonsense Ezra. Thought that was long since done with."

"I haven't the right to consider you as friends, so the formality is required. Please Mr. Larabee, I would like both of you to leave."

"Well, that's just not going to happen."

"That's what I've been telling him. We got no where else to be, so we can stay here all day."

"Ezra – what are you doing?"

"I don't know. I really don't."

"Why don't you put that down and come inside for a while? I think we all need to talk."

"Talking won't help this. Nothing will."

"No, nothing can fix this – but we can make it right."

"How – those girls, those children. All dead. How do we make that right?"

"We find the folks responsible, and we make them pay for it."

"You are looking at the man responsible – don't you see that?"

"No Ezra – I don't. You had a job, and you were doing it to the best of your ability. I have never known you do give less than full effort to any job you take. If you've got a failing it's that you give too much."

"My failing is that I let this people, these children, be murdered."

"You did no such thing. What happened was out of your control. You tried to get the DA's office to move in. Not your fault that Lambert is a jackass. And even if you had slugged him this morning, that wouldn't have changed this. The timeline was out of your control Ezra."

"I knew there was trouble coming – I should have fought harder. Please Mr. Tanner, stop trying to edge your way closer to me. You know I won't hurt you, but please stay back. I would hate for you to be accidentally injured in all of this."

"If you don't want to hurt me, you'll put down that gun. Watching you with that, trust me – it hurts."

"Which is precisely why you should leave."

"And that answer is precisely why I'm gonna stay."

"Ezra, you can't believe this is going to help anyone. We need answers, and at the moment you are the best source."

"You don't need me. I'm the one who screwed this all up. Lambert may be a jackass, but he was right about one thing. It was my job to find out who was behind the operation, and I failed. I should have figured out what was wrong. Should have moved faster."

"Moved on what? We didn't have the information you needed. That jackass doesn't have a clue about what's been going on. Ezra – who do you think did the shooting at the house?"

"Could have been any of them. Competition, revenge. Could even be the higher ups – the guys we're after. If they figured we were on to this, or they just wanted a change in management. It's too messy though – there will be evidence. Forensics can figure this out. You don't need me. I can't do this anymore."

"We need you." Vin responded. "Not for this job – hell not for any job if you really don't want to keep doing this. But we need you."

"I can't go back."

"You don't have to. Not now, not ever if that's what you decide. But don't make that call now, and don't make it alone."

Ezra stood quietly for a moment. He said nothing, but his finger moved away from the trigger. Neither of the men watching relaxed, knowing just how fast Ezra was when he wanted to be. He finally spoke. "Is everybody here?"

"Yeah – you want to see them?"

"They won't want to see me."

"Hell they don't. God Ezra – we thought you were in there. That you were dead. Ain't one who doesn't want to see for themselves you're alright. But if you're not ready, they'll understand."

"How can they understand? I don't."

"Then let's all figure it out together. That's what we do – right?"

Vin stiffened, ready to jump, as Ezra moved his gun hand. He held himself back as he watched Ezra slip the safety back into place, and rest the gun on the edge of the stall, burying his face in Chaucer's neck. Vin quietly moved over to pick up the gun, passing it over to Chris who pocketed it. Vin laid is hand on Ezra shoulder, and after several minutes he felt the shaking slow down. It was a tired, broken voice that spoke. "I'm just so tired." With that, his body went slack and Ezra gently fell to the ground.

 _7-7-7-7-7-7-7_

Chris pulled the door closed on Ezra's room. The agent was sleeping, or so they chose to call it. He had never fully come to when Josiah carried him in from the barn, reacting only marginally to Nathan's cursory examination once he'd been settled into a bed. "I'm pretty sure it is nothing more that exhaustion and shock." Nathan had assured them. "His mind and body just decided they'd had enough. Can't really say he's sleeping, but he is resting. Could be like this for hours. He needs it. I'm gonna stay in the room, in case he has any trouble."

"What kind of trouble? What do we need to be watching for?"

"Aside from the obvious – anxiety attack, breathing troubles. Nightmares maybe. Just don't want him waking up alone."

So for now, he rested, under Nathan's watch, while the others gathered outside, as far away as they could be so as not to disturb the quiet.

"What the hell happened Vin? How'd he end up with a gun?"

"Did you know he kept one in Chaucer's stall? I sure as hell didn't. Wouldn't have let him anywhere near it if I had. He went in there talking to the horse and came out holding the damn thing. Asked me to leave."

"That's good." Josiah said softly.

"Good? On what planet is any of that good?" JD demanded.

"He could have shot himself in the stall. Vin wouldn't have known until it was too late, and wouldn't have seen it happen. Ezra knew that. But he came out anyway, with the gun. At some level, he wanted Vin to talk him out of this. He wanted to be stopped. That desire was stronger than the one that wanted to end his life."

"Wish I could be sure of that."

"We can't be sure Chris, but it makes sense. Vin, if Ezra had said he wanted to go to the stables alone, would you have stopped him?"

"Woulda had no reason to."

"Exactly, and he knew that. Yet he let you come in, only to ask you to leave after he made his move."

"He wasn't bluffing or messing with us Josiah – you didn't see him in there."

"I know that Vin. I know there was part of him that wanted to die, maybe still does. But a bigger part, a stronger part, was sabotaging that effort. He wants to live much more than he wants to die. Now all we have to do is help him see that. He may already realize it. It's why he passed out – why he can rest now."

"You mean he got it out of his system? Just like that?" Buck found it hard to believe things could be that easy.

"I think the real risk is passed. That doesn't mean we don't watch him, especially for the next few days. But don't crowd him, or pamper him. He'd going to feel embarrassed and guilty about all of this."

"Well that's just dumb. We're his friends. He shouldn't be embarrassed."

Chris couldn't help but smile at JD's straight forward way of looking at life. "No, he shouldn't – but he will. Think about it JD. Ezra doesn't share much of himself, his feelings, with us. It's not that he doesn't trust us, or consider us friends. It's just not the way he thinks."

"Not the way he was raised you mean." Buck corrected. "That woman has a lot to answer for."

"One emotional crisis at a time Buck – please. Point is JD, it's not in his nature to show that much vulnerability. Hell, none of us would feel comfortable about it. No matter how much we consider each other as friends. As family."

"Yeah – I guess we aren't exactly the hugging kind of friends are we?" JD had to agree. "But still-"

"Point is JD, we have to let him feel about this the way he does, and not crowd him. Think you can do that?"

"I can do whatever he needs Buck – you know that."

"Sure I do kid, just wanted to make sure you knew it."

Vin stepped away from the group, looking over to the stables. It didn't take Josiah's analytical skills to understand what was bothering him.

"You did fine with him Vin." Chris said. "Nobody is blaming you on any of this."

"I swear to you I had no idea he had a gun out there Chris. He was quiet on the ride out. Didn't say a word. I talked a bit at first, just to see if he needed anything, wanted to stop for anything. Just shook his head. When we got here we went inside, but he kept walking through the house. I could see where he was heading, but I thought it was to see Chaucer. You know how he is about that horse. Thought it would be good for him. Maybe he'd talk to him since he wasn't in the mood to talk to us. If I'd thought for a second… Damn, what if I'd let him go alone?"

"You didn't. I think you probably knew he shouldn't be alone, even if you didn't realize it. Vin, you did fine." Chris repeated. The younger man turned and looked at the team, his eyes shining with unshed tears.

"I ain't never been so scared in my life." Chris stepped over an put his hands on Vin's shoulders. "Me too my friend. Me too."

They moved back quietly into the living room, each taking a seat, each lost in his own thoughts. That was where they spent the evening, taking turns relieving Nathan of his watcher duties. Throughout, Ezra was motionless. Resting on his side, eyes closed and breathing steadily. He didn't react to the comings and goings, remaining perfectly still.

Dawn was making its first appearance when Buck came in to relieve Vin. "There's coffee in the kitchen. Chris is cooking up some eggs and bacon."

"None for me, but a cup of coffee would not be refused, providing it was not made by Vin." Ezra sat up slowly as he spoke, not looking directly at the men in the room.

"Well, like I said, fresh pot just brewed. JD made it, so it's passably acceptable."

"Sounds like ambrosia. I shall join you after I take a few minutes to freshen up. Do you suppose there might be another change of clothing I could borrow?"

"No need. I drove back into town and got your "go bag" from the office. Thought you'd feel more like yourself if you weren't wearin' Vin's workout gear."

"An accurate assessment, not that the contribution was unappreciated."

"Bag's in the hall – I'll grab it for you."

Ezra couldn't miss Vin's glance at the bathroom, and the worried look that came with it. "Don't concern yourself Vin. If there are pills or razors in there, I assure you I will use them only as intended."

"I didn't mean anything-"

"Yes, you did. And thank you." Ezra pulled the door closed behind him.

He stripped down quickly and stepped into the shower, making sure not to allow himself a glance at the mirror. The quick wipe-down he'd had in the ambulance the day before had been less than efficient, and he needed nothing more now than to wash the grime and blood from himself. He tilted is head back and let the steaming water to pour over him for several minutes before opening his eyes. He cautiously looked at his hands, expecting to still see blood on them, and was relieved that neither real or imagined stains were there. The water seemed to be running clean as it went down the drain, and he quickly finished up. Wrapping a towel around himself he stepped to the mirror. He wasn't surprised to see the drawn face staring back. The eyes were a little less haunted than he expected, but he thought that might be solely due to the hazy effect caused by steam on mirror. He opened the cabinet and saw the disposable razors sitting there. His hand shook slightly as he reached for one. Whether it was fear, stress or anxiety, he couldn't honestly say. He did decide that whatever the cause, shaving while shaking was not the best plan, so he closed the door again and stepped out into the room. A change of clothes had been laid out on the bed. Jeans and a casual dress shirt. Clearly, they didn't expect him to go anywhere today, and he was fine with that.

He emerged a few minutes later. At the sound of his door the soft chatter he'd heard from the kitchen stalled briefly, starting up again awkwardly after a few seconds. Taking a deep breath, he walked down the hall.

"Well, the gang's all here! Ready for some bacon and eggs there Ezra? It's one of only three meals Chris knows how to make."

"Thank you Buck, but as I said, I think I shall restrict myself to coffee at this point. Assuming I have no medical restrictions on caffeine?" he looked to Nathan.

"If you feel like coffee, you go right ahead. You should limit yourself to just a couple of cups today, but no reason not to enjoy one at the moment."

Ezra poured it, feeling all eyes on him. This simply was not going to work without swallowing what small amount was left of his pride.

"Gentlemen, I think we will all be more relaxed if we address the elephant in the room now rather than later. I do not know how to begin to apologize for my behaviour yesterday. I was rude, selfish and unforgivably thoughtless. My actions caused you great concern and anxiety, and I do not blame any of you for the anger you undoubtedly feel. Most especially I must apologize to you Vin – I had no right putting you in such a position. I have no right to expect you to forgive me, but I ask you consider doing so when your indignation cools."

He looked up to see six stunned faces. No one spoke. No one could. He put down his cup and turned to leave. "I understand. I shall take my leave."

"Sit the hell down Standish – you ain't going anywhere."

There is not a sane man alive who would challenge an order delivered by Chris Larabee in that tone. Ezra was feeling many things at this point, but as suicidal was no longer one of them, he chose to sit.

"Now I don't begin to understand what the last few weeks have been like for you, let alone the last 24 hours, so I am going to assume the stress of it all is making you a little less capable than usual to read people. But you need to take a look around this room and see that there is not one person here who is mad at you, or disappointed in you, or indigent, or any of the other things you just implied. Go on – look. What you are seeing is 6 men who were scared they'd lost a friend in a shooting, then scared he'd was so hurt he might not come back. And when we thought it couldn't get worse, you proved us wrong. What you see are six men who are thanking God you got outta bed this morning and came down here for coffee. You don't owe us any apologies or penance or anything like that. The only thing we want from you is the promise that if you get that – hell, that messed up again, you will talk to us. You have to talk to us, 'cause we are your family, and you don't run out on family. You promised me a long time ago you weren't gonna run out on me – on us, and I am holding you to that. Do you understand?"

Ezra took a moment to look around the room at the anxious faces starring at him. Beyond Chris's supportive outrage he saw JD's eager, encouraging smile. Buck with a slightly more world weary, but equally optimistic grin. Josiah's parental gaze, Nathan's caregiving scrutiny. And Vin, who looked for all the world like a kid afraid he was about to lose his best friend.

"I might be erroneous in my recollections Chris, but I do believe that the speech you just gave was longer than the combination of every other tirade you have directed at me over the years. It is gratifying, and more than a little surprising, to see how much you all care. I shall endeavour to keep the promise you refer to. I may need help, but I have a feeling that will not be hard to find. Now, if it is not to late to alter my decision, I believe I might be able to eat a small amount of breakfast."

"I think that can be arranged Pard." Vin smiled as he pulled another chair up to the table.

The men settled in their places while Josiah headed over with plates for Chris. He spoke softly so as not to draw attention of the others.

"How close were you watching?"

"'Bout as close as you were I imagine. And yeah, the smile never reached his eyes, and he kept his hands in his pockets."

"Which means they were twitching, or at least shaking some."

"Exactly. Question is – what does all that mean?"

"Means this ain't over Chris. Not by a long shot."

 _M7-M7-M7-M7-M7-M7-M7_

 _tbc_


	4. Chapter 4

Ezra sat quietly in the lounge chair near the patio doors. He watched as Vin, Buck and JD took on some busy work, helping with yard cleanup and such. Chris and Nathan had headed into town to get an update on what was happening on the case, and hopefully by Ezra another day before he had to speak with Detective Shelton. They hadn't hold him that – he was told it was a supply run. But he wasn't stupid.

Feeling eyes on him, Ezra spoke without turning. "So, you here as my confessor, my counsellor, my co-worker or my friend?"

Josiah pushed himself off the door-frame he'd been resting on. "Bit of all that I guess. Mostly friend."

"How fortunate, as I truly do not consider myself prepared to converse with the initial two, and have not prepared myself for dialogue with the third either."

"One step forward, one step back. That's not going to get you anywhere Ezra."

"I fail to comprehend the reference."

"You stopped calling us all Mister, which means you accept we are still your friends, but you've put the other barriers back up."

"I still can not discern your intent."

"Comprehend? Dialogue? Discern? Converse? You've gone back to your ten dollar words Ezra. Yesterday it would have been 'understand' and 'talk' – today you're hiding behind syllables."

"Yesterday I was scarcely capable of enunciating the words 'cat' or 'dog'. Today I have reverted to my true nature, and my vocabulary reflects that, as it has always done.

"Yesterday you were reaching out for help support. Today you are the independent, self-reliant, and overly private Ezra Standish again."

"I was unaware that those character traits were interpreted as flaws. I had been raised to see them as goals to strive toward."

"You had been raised to see them as survival techniques. That's why you go back to them when you're in trouble."

"And you perceive me to be in trouble now?"

"Deeply."

"I believe I offered by assurances that there would be no repeat of yesterdays' – aberration. Do you not trust me to hold to that promise?"

"Not just a matter of trust Ezra. I'd trust you with my life. Done so more times than I can count. Just not entirely sure I can trust you with your own right now." Before the younger man could respond, Josiah held up a hand. "I don't think you still want to hurt yourself, certainly not on purpose. Not entirely sure you ever really did. But I don't think you're in a place you can take proper care of yourself either. I don't mean fixing meals and such. I mean look after what you need. Make the right decisions. I'm scared you're going to leap before looking, and I don't look forward to the consequences."

"This sounds much more like the counsellor than it does the friend Josiah."

"You sayin' I can't be both?"

"I'm saying I can trust my friend. My counsellor would need to report my mental health to my superior's if he deems it a detriment to my ongoing service with the ATF."

"Got news for – your friend would do that too. If it means keeping you safe."

"All of us would." Ezra flinched, startled by the sound of Vin's voice. Neither man had heard him arrive. "Might piss you off, might make you leave. Might mean you never spoke to us again. If it keeps you alive, that'd have to be the price we pay. Nothing's more important Ezra. Nothing."

Ezra sat quietly for a moment, regrouping and rethinking all that had been said. He finally stood, poker face firmly in place. "Good to know where things stand. I believe I shall take a walk – alone if you don't mind." Vin reached out as he passed, but Ezra sidestepped the gesture and left the house without looking back.

"We blow it?" he asked Josiah.

"Maybe, but it had to be said. I meant it when I said I don't think he'd hurt himself on purpose, but that still leaves a lot of room for the subconscious to mess with him."

"That sounds bad. Should we be following him?"

"No – he needs to know we trust him, and I doubt he'd accept any explanation we could give him. Now is the time for a bit of faith – and a lot of prayer."

Ezra hadn't returned by the time Chris and Nathan were back a few hours later. Buck was ready to saddle up and go searching, but after discussion it was agreed to give him another hour.

"Besides" Chris added, "I don't really want him here for the update."

"You talk to Detective Shelton?"

"He's a good man – more co-operative than a lot of guys would be in these circumstances. They found 9 bodies in the house. Two adult males, one identified as Henderson – Ezra's contact. The other is unknown. Two adult woman, two female teens and three kids under 10."

"Damn – I was hoping not all the kids would be there. Shouldn't they have been in school?"

"Yeah, but that wasn't their world."

"Chris – didn't Ezra say there was a teen mom with a baby?"

"Yeah, he did JD. No sign of them at the time or since, and no one in the neighbourhood is saying anything. And before anyone asks, there is no reason to suspect the shooters snatched them. There'd be no point."

"Any leads on the shooters?"

"Lots of forensics. Looks like three, maybe four. No IDs yet. Tore through the house like a tornado. In and out in no more than two minutes from what could be pieced together. Henderson got a couple shots off – gun was near his body. No idea if he hit anyone."

"Shelton want to talk to Ezra?"

"Tomorrow if he's up for it. No later than the next day though. He may need help to ID the victims."

"Not the kids Chris. He can't handle that yet." Nathan insisted.

Chris sighed. The two had fought this out in the car on the way back, and obviously it still wasn't settled. "His call."

"No – he'll feel obliged. He's not ready."

"He'll feel worse if he thinks he coulda helped and didn't."

"We'll talk to him tonight. And we'll go with him if he decides to do anything." Vin felt bad Ezra was out there on his own now. He wasn't going to let that happen again.

The afternoon wore on with no sign of Ezra. Finally, Chris surrendered to the will of the team, and they all saddled up to search. "Keep your phones on – Ezra didn't take his with him, but whoever finds him first can let us know. I'll take Chaucer along so he'll have a ride home."

They fanned out, knowing it was likely Vin would be the one to find him. Tracking wasn't all that difficult in this area, and he doubted Ezra was trying to hide his path. Still, the hard, dry soil made the going a little more challenging than he'd expected, and it was close to an hour before he spotted his quarry. Ezra sat near the top of a valley lookout. The scene, approaching sunset, was nothing short of spectacular, although Vin doubted Ezra had even noticed. He called Chris before closing in, trying not to appear like he was sneaking up.

"You needn't concern yourself Vin. I've watched your approach for some time. I assume you have notified the rest of my watchers that I indeed still amoung the living."

"Ain't going to apologize for worrying about you Ezra. You've had a hell of a couple of days."

"Days? Oh my friend, this is much more than a couple of days. I have been calculating the number of deaths I have on my conscience. Did you know I had one – a conscience I mean? I never expected to develop such a useless item."

Not knowing how to answer that, Vin stalled by dismounting. He decided for the moment to just let the man speak.

"Ah – you suspected it existed all along, didn't you? Despite your history, your world of experience, you still manage to find the good in people, even if you have to fabricate it. You sir, have a noble soul.

As I was saying, I have been calculating. The number is truly astonishing to me. Aside from those I remember terminating myself, always of course with the justification it was in self-defence, or the defence of others, there is the – what is the phrase? – collateral damage. Those I failed to get to in time. The young couple in a house blown up by hoods who believed I was in it. The man who was killed in a cross-fire incident. The addicts who OD when I couldn't find their supplier. Or died from withdrawal when I took away their source. And then there was yesterday."

"Don't suppose it would do me any good to try to tell you none of that was your fault?"

"What do you think?"

"I think you take way too much on yourself. I think you never accepted how good a man you are, so you keep finding things wrong to feed your delusion of worthlessness."

"'Delusion of worthlessness'? I believe you have been spending far too much time in my presence Vin. Your language has become positively effusive."

"Make fun all you want Ezra – don't change the fact."

"My apologies. I did not intend to make light of your expression. I am genuinely impressed, even though the sentiment is false."

"Don't think it is."

"There are quite a number of bodies in the morgue to prove you wrong."

"And how many folks are out there walking around safe, happy and healthy cause of the things you done? Or don't they count on your balance sheet?"

"These scales don't work that way. One innocent soul lost can't be balanced out by another."

"Maybe not, but you aren't doing your job if you don't look at all the evidence. Can't use only what supports your claim."

"Oh, but that body of evidence is overwhelming my friend."

"Circumstantial at best. A good lawyer would get most of it thrown out of court."

"A good lawyer? Such as our esteemed colleague DA Lambert?"

"He ain't worth talking about."

"Then what should we discuss Vin? Politics? The weather? Sports?"

"We could talk about why you need to fight us every time we try to help you."

"Do I?"

"On a pretty regular basis. You can't do that this time Ezra. This is to important."

"Ah – in the nick of time, the cavalry arrives. And he has brought a steed for me." Ezra stood slowly. It was obvious he'd been sitting for some time, as his movements were stiff. That, with his fatigue and state of mind made him unsteady on his feet. As he moved to step away from the tree his legs buckled, setting him off balance. Vin leapt for him as he began to topple toward the edge of the ravine, but Ezra straightened himself with minimal assistance.

"I know what you are thinking Vin, and you are wrong."

"I'm thinking we all need to get back to the house, get some dinner and some rest and talk about things tomorrow."

"Ah yes, the mantra of the southerner – Tomorrow is another day."

"Let's make sure of that shall we." He took firm hold of Ezra's arm, walking him toward Chaucer. He was more than surprised when he was met with no resistance.

"Thank you for escorting Chaucer. I'm sure he appreciates the exercise."

"No – he appreciates the rider. Fought with me the whole time till he saw you, then turned into a perfect gentleman. Damn horse."

A small mirthless grin passed over Ezra's face. "Then he is a perfect match for his owner, wouldn't you say?"

"Can't argue that." Chris waved Ezra ahead and paired up with Vin for the silent ride home.

Buck and JD were still brushing down their rides when the trio arrived back at the ranch. Ezra dismounted on entering, leaving Chaucer to pause for a drink and have a few short conversations with his stable-mates before heading to his stall. Buck merely shook his head at the horse's selective discipline.

"I assume," Ezra spoke, "the barn has been thoroughly searched for guns or other implements I should be kept away from." Buck ignored the comment, but the guilt on JDs face was evident. "Don't concern yourself JD. I have been repeatedly informed this is all for my benefit. I don't question for an instant that you all believe that." The grooming process proceeded in an uncomfortable silence. One by one the riders left the room until Ezra was left alone with Chaucer. As he heard the door close he stopped brushing and leaned heavily into his friend.

"I seem to be doing my best to alienate all those I hold dear. You may be my last companion before this over." He was answered by a soft whinny. "Yes, I know I can count on you. I know I can count on them too, so why am I pushing so hard? Perhaps Vin is correct. For some reason, I need to fight them, to fight myself. I just don't feel comfortable around them anymore, my friend. If you can forgive the drama of the statement, I feel unworthy." He made a move to step away, and found himself on the receiving end of a gentle nip from Chaucer. Startled, he turned to look, and swore for just a moment he saw disapproval in the large brown eyes that stared back at him.

"You too – even you challenge me? Perhaps I'll have no friends after all." A brayed response seemed to negate the sentiment. "Yes, I know. None of you will let me go that easily. More's the pity." With a gentle pat, Ezra left the barn. Chaucer watched, slowly and sadly lowering his head.

 _M7-M7-M7-M7-M7-M7-M7_

 _tbc_


	5. Chapter 5

Dinner was a quiet event. Sandwiches and beer were consumed in an eerie silence, with virtually no eye contact being made. JD left the table quickly, mumbling something about still doing some research, and disappeared into Chris's office. Ezra left shortly after, moving to a secluded spot in the den.

"Not doing him any good by ignoring things." Josiah stated, as they began to clear the table.

"Well what are we supposed to do? Nathan tells us confronting him is a bad idea, you tell us the opposite?" Buck challenged, angry at the circumstances much more than the messenger.

Josiah sighed, leaning back into the counter. "Wish I knew Buck. Ezra can be a challenge to figure out in the best of times, and these are far from that. He can keep things bottled up tighter than anyone I've ever met, and given the fact I know you five, that's saying something."

"He's going to quit you know Chris." Vin had no doubts any longer on this. "What he said, in the stable and then out the ridge. He's not coming back to work."

"If it's what he needs to do, then we support that."

"But he can't quit. It's what he does – who he is."

"That's kinda the problem Buck. That's how he sees it. And right now, he hates what he does. Can't see past the bad to remember the good."

JD reappeared from the office, a look somewhere between shock and dread on his face. "Chris – you need to come see this." He turned and started back to the office, followed by the others. "No, just Chris first."

"You guys finish cleaning up. We'll finish this talk later. With Ezra."

Closing the office door, he stepped over to the computer where JD had settled again. "What's up kid?"

"I've been trying to figure out what Ezra said about something not feeling right about the whole job. Remember he told us a couple weeks ago that he felt there was a missing piece no one could figure out?" Chris nodded. "Well I've been running backgrounds on everything I could find about the job – the people, the places, the contacts. Anything."

"And?"

"The house."

"Yeah, some slum landlord owns it."

"No – just looks that way. He's a ghost. The guy doesn't exist anywhere except on the system."

"A front? Can you figure out for who?"

"That's what I've been working on. Based on other things 'he' owns, I found my way back to a dummy corporation." Chris sat back, arms crossed waiting for JD to share more information. It was always like this with him, wanting to build to a big announcement, and Chris had learned to be patient.

"That was owned by another dummy, and so on for 3 levels. Lots of legal red tape and back doors. Even went through a charitable not-for-profit front for one of them."

Chris could feel the glare coming on as his patience started to wear thin. "Cut to the chase JD – I'm assuming there is a point here."

"Oh yeah. A big one. Finally got it all back to one man, who owns the house and a few other spots linked to drugs, prostitution, guns –"

"JD!"

"DA Walter Q. Lambert."

Chris stared, speechless, as JD grinned at him with great satisfaction. "And before you ask – yes, I am certain. Checked and back-checked about six different ways, and it always comes out the same. And no, there is no trail he can follow to know he's been discovered."

"He's behind all of this? No wonder Ezra couldn't get anywhere – he was reporting his progress to the mastermind. We're just damn lucky Lambert didn't have him killed."

"You think he ordered the hit at the house? What if Ezra had been there?"

"No, still think that was territorial, but that doesn't mean he isn't responsible. We'd have closed the place down if he hadn't been interfering. Look, have we got a legitimate case here? Was your search admissible?"

"No, but the one we present for filing charges will be. I can make this all neat and tidy Chris."

They both turned when the door was opened and Vin stuck his head in. "You guys have any idea why Ezra just went charging outta here?"

Chris was on his feet running, with JD close behind. Vin shouted after them that the others were blocking the drive. Sure enough, Ezra sat in Chris's truck, inching his way toward the human blockade.

Chris stopped by the vehicle door. "Shut it off Ezra. You ain't going into town."

"He'll get away with it Chris. He'll get away with all of it. He's a sneaky bastard and you can bet he's already got scapegoats lined up and an airline ticket to Brazil."

"That won't happen Ezra. We won't let it."

"You can't stop it. I can. I will."

"What – you gonna kill him? He's not worth it."

"No, but they are. Those kids, everyone in the house - they need justice, and if the system won't give it to them, I will."

"Don't you think you ought to give the system a chance first?"

"JD said the searches weren't legal."

"But they will be Ezra. I promise you I can make them all proper." JD was desperate not to be the cause of Ezra going off the deep end again. "I'll make everything air tight. Lambert is going down."

The others glanced at each other, confusion evident. They'd had no clue who was Ezra's intended target, and the idea it was Lambert made no sense, but they were on board with whatever was needed.

"One way or another Ezra, we got your back on this. But let's try by the book first. It'd be so right to take him down legal-like. Can you imagine what life in prison'll be like for him?" Buck hoped any of what he was saying would make sense.

Ezra still gripped tightly to the steering wheel. He knew he'd never run over his team, but he still thought he could out maneuver them. His gaze went from one man to the next. He saw nothing but absolute sincerity and support. Why, he didn't understand, but it was there nevertheless. Whatever action he took was going to reflect on them. He knew he had to follow their lead, at least for now. He could distance himself from them over time if need be, and make sure that Lambert got what was coming to him. But now, at this moment, there was only one option. He reached for the keys and turned them. He couldn't help but see the relief on each face watching him. Handing the keys to Chris, he rested his head back.

"Can't seem to do much of anything right in the last few days."

"Think you did just fine Ezra. You ready to come in?"

Before he could answer, the passenger door opened and JD slipped inside. "You guys go ahead – we need to talk for a minute." JD knew he was being watched and judged. "It'll be fine Chris. We'll be in soon."

When they had left JD swivelled in his seat, waiting patiently for Ezra to look at him. When that finally happened, JD spoke. "I've been trying to figure out how to say this all day – and I should've said it to you a long time ago. First – you have to remember what you told me about why I was a lousy poker player and why you were afraid for me every time I went out on an undercover job. I can't lie worth a damn. Never have been able to. So you know I'm not just saying this to make you feel better or anything.

Ezra – you are the bravest man I know. That includes all those guys – and we both know they are pretty damn terrific."

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"Hell I don't. Ezra, I don't get how you do it. You don't just confront the bad guys, you move in with them. You go in there, alone more often than not, and do things I just cannot wrap my head around. You are the best anywhere. Even folks that don't like you say so. Well, that didn't sound right, but you know what I mean. I couldn't do that, not the way you do. You isolate yourself from us, put yourself in a world of misery and always come out smiling at the end of it all. You amaze be every time."

"Don't kid yourself – I'm terrified most of the time."

"I know – you'd have to be a fool otherwise, and you are no fool. Don't you get it? That's what is so amazing. You know what you're going to be facing, the risks, the dangers – and you do it anyway, and better than anyone else." He paused, wanting to be sure he still had Ezra's attention.

"So this time things went bad. Real bad. I can't begin to understand how much that must be tearing you up. But it doesn't change who you are Ezra. What you are. You went in there to help. Every time we spoke, you were talking about those kids and moms, getting them out, getting them help. You didn't know, couldn't know, you were being sabotaged. You just knew there was something that needed to be fixed and you were going to do everything you could. And you did.

There's a lot more out there that needs to be fixed Ezra. You won't be able to do it all, but you won't be able to do any of it if you walk away from this. I can't guarantee you that we're gonna win every time, but I can promise you that you will NEVER be fighting this alone. Don't know if that means anything to you, but you needed to be told." JD hopped out of the truck without giving Ezra a chance to reply. "You think on that before you make up your mind about anything. OK?" He turned and went up to the house. It was almost 20 minutes before Buck, watching the truck through a crack in the curtains, was able to let them know Ezra was on his way in.

When he entered, the men did their best to appear casual and relaxed. For the first time in what felt like forever, Ezra almost felt like laughing.

"My apologies if I appear rude, but I think I need to make an early night of it. This has been an abnormally long day and I haven't the energy to socialize."

"Sure Ezra – you need anything else?"

"Not at the moment Chris. In the morning I would appreciate a ride back into the city."

The six cast quick gazes to each other. Not one thought this was a good plan, yet none wanted to betray Ezra by denying him. For a second time, Ezra almost laughed, reading their minds.

"I would very much like to go home and collect a few items. Then, and here I am presuming on your hospitality, I would like to return to the ranch for a few days. I find I am much more able to clear my thoughts here, and of course Chaucer will appreciate the increased attention. Of course, if that is too much of an imposition…?"

"We can head out whenever you're ready – and you can stay as long as you need."

"Careful about that offer Ezra. Last time he let us crash here while the apartment was being fumigated JD and I ended up building that damned equipment shed for him."

"You forget Buck, that I am much better at devising ways to avoid menial labour than you are. However, I am sure I can find other ways to make my presence less burdensome."

"You let me worry about that Ezra."

"I shall. Good night gentlemen. Thank you JD – I shall consider what you said."

They waited until they heard the door close before grilling JD. All pounce at once, but the dominant voice was Josiah's "What did you say to him out there?"

"Nothing much – just the truth."

"JD –"

"Chris, it was between us. If you needed to know, I'd tell you, but you don't"

"Well, I don't care what it was." Vin smiled. "Just glad you got through to him."

"Not sure I did, but at least it gives us a bit more time. I'm going to start making a case we can take to court Chris. Don't worry, I won't screw it up."

"We know. And JD – you done real good here."

 _M7-M7-M7-M7-M7-M7-M7_

 _tbc_


	6. Chapter 6

JD was scarcely away from his computer of the next 48 hours. Even though he knew what he was looking for this time, it was a slower process to do everything by the book. Judge Travis had been told of the discovery, and was scrutinizing every step of the procedure to make sure there were no grounds for appeals and no evidence could be disallowed.

Ezra would ask from time to time how things were progressing, but seemed willing to let the others take over the work. He spent most of the time outdoors, walking the grounds, or riding Chaucer for hours at a time. More often than not he came back looking at ease, but some returns had him disappearing into his room. Chris heard water running each time, and recognized the signs of a man dealing privately with grief. Tears were far less obvious in the shower, and the redness in his eyes could be blamed on shampoo.

Nathan watched closely too, and was less than pleased with what he was seeing. Despite the exercise and time resting, Ezra still had an unhealthy pallor. Nathan had noticed at meals that Ezra toyed with his food, eating little of it. The only positive he saw was that at least his favorite bottle of scotch had remained untouched. Although at this point even that return to his norm would have been welcomed. Unable to keep his silence after a day and a half, Nathan joined Ezra as he left the house for another stroll.

"Mind if I join you for a bit Ezra?"

"Company is always welcome on a promenade, though I suspect your request has little association with a yearning for fresh air. What actions have I committed, or omitted, that have stirred your doctoring instincts?"

"Can't a man just want to spend some time with a friend?"

"Of course, and if I misjudged you I do apologize. But I know you Nathan. I know you are watching me like a hawk. And while the attention is – intense – I do understand your motivation."

"No, don't apologize. You're partially right. While I do like a walk in the country, I am worried about you Ezra. Not where your head's at – well not just that. You gotta start taking physical care Ezra. You've hardly eaten, and I know you may be resting, but you aren't sleeping."

"I have no appetite, and true sleep eludes me at the present. Please – don't even suggest sleeping pills. Vin would insist upon having them kept under lock and key. Which all things considered would not be a foolish request."

"I know you hate pills Ezra. Hell, I can't even get a damned aspirin in you most of the time. I do know a few natural options. Serotonin supplements – things like that. They'd help you some. As for your appetite – not much I can give you. That's gonna be up to you. But not eating is just wearing you down more."

"I realize that Nathan. I know what I should be doing, I just find it increasingly difficult to find the motivation to follow through. I thought after JD made his discovery, once we had an alternate villain in the story, I would recover more. That doesn't seem to have come to pass."

"An alternate? You still see yourself as the bad guy in this?"

"I am working on it."

"You need to talk this out with someone Ezra."

"With the exception of Buck, I am pretty sure I have talked with all of you now. And I have no doubt that conversation will come to pass as well."

"No, that's not what I mean. It's great that you can talk to us, hopefully listen to all of us. But you need more than that Ezra."

"Ah – professional help. You are not the first person in my life to suggest such a treatment. Mother recommended it when I told her of my career choice. Perhaps she was right."

"Knock it off Ezra. You know what I mean. Anyone dealing with what you've been through in the last few days not put off their game – that's the guy I'd be scared of. All I'm saying is – "

"I know what you're saying Nathan. And you're not incorrect in your conclusions. It's just not really in my nature. But, I shall add it to my list of topics under consideration. That is the most I will commit to at this juncture."

"It'll do for a start. What about the rest of it?"

Ezra sighed. "I will try one of your 'concoctions' tonight to see if it helps me enter the arms of Morpheus."

Nathan shook his head, smiling. "You couldn't just say sleep?"

"I could, but I have a reputation to consider. And, I shall make a stronger effort at dinner tonight. But no promises. I presume you have a plan B – vitamins and such?"

"All part of the concoction I have in mind. I'll leave you to your walk – I know you like the quiet time alone."

"Actually, if you have nothing else on your agenda, quiet time with a friend is always appreciated."

"Sounds good."

It was an hour before they returned. Barely a word had been spoken, but both men felt better as they walked back through the front door.

On their third day at the task, JD and Judge Travis emerged from Chris's office looking tired but victorious.

"We got him!" JD could hardly contain his excitement.

A more measured commentary came from the Judge. "We have our trail. Every step is fully documented and completely legal. I am going to the Attorney General to file the papers, and at the same time the formerly esteemed Mr. Lambert will be arrested by the FBI."

"What do mean the FBI? This is our bust. We get to do this – Ezra gets to do this."

"No Buck, you don't. And he definitely doesn't. These are plenty of state and federal laws that have been broken. We don't have to be directly involved."

"He screwed up our operation. Could have got Ezra killed. What do you mean it's not ours?"

"There are multiple laws he broke here, but the cleanest charges are going to start with violations of his office. The drug and other charges will follow, but this step gets him off the streets and locked up – stopping any flight risk."

"Should still be us doing this. Ezra deserves it."

"It's not about me Buck." Ezra had been listening from his room, fresh from his latest shower. "As much as I would enjoy the opportunity to place the man in custody, my appearance, our appearance at the arrest could cloud matters. He will raise claims of personal vendettas. Accuse me of setting him up while I was on the inside. Call my reputation to task, and in so doing challenge yours as well."

"Let him – there's nothing to the claims."

"That is not relevant. I refuse to provide him with the smallest morsel of ammunition. Our presence would serve only to help his cause in the long run. There will be time later, in court if nowhere else, for me to face him down, if I so elect. Right now, I would prefer not to give him the satisfaction of seeing what his actions have done."

"Yeah – well you're a better man than I am then. I just want to knock him into next week."

"Another excellent reason for avoiding any direct contact, wouldn't you agree Judge?"

"I do Ezra. Now, if you all excuse me. JD, I do want you along to sign the affidavits involved, but you won't be getting any closer to Lambert than being in the same building. Understood?"

"Whatever it takes to bring him down is fine by me."

After watching the men drive away, Ezra settled himself into a large chair on the porch, joining Buck in watching the clouds pass.

"Ain't like you not to want to take out Lambert by yourself."

"Most of what I am doing right now is not like me. But in this circumstance, I do not believe I would have the energy to control myself in his presence, and I cannot bear the notion that any of you could be adversely affected by my actions."

"We can take care of ourselves Ezra."

"That seems to be more than I can say at the moment. I want to express my gratitude for the words you spoke to the Judge."

"What d'ya mean?"

"It means an immeasurable amount to me to recognize how you all defend me the manner you do. It is occasionally difficult for me to comprehend why you do that, but I always appreciate hearing it."

"We do it 'cause we're your friends Ezra. Just that simple."

"Friendship has never been simple in my world Buck. I suppose that is a large part of the reason why I have so much difficulty accepting it, and offering it as will I would wager."

"Not one of us who isn't proud to consider you a friend Ezra. A good one. Wish you didn't have so much trouble with that."

"As do I." He cast a sideways glance at the man. "Lord knows I am aware of your overwhelming need to monitor my every move."

"I know you think we're smothering you Ezra – but we're worried. You scared us pretty good you know."

"Yes, I was a little over the top I suppose."

"That's not it Ezra. Nobody blames you. Hell, I don't think I'd have been able to handle this as well as you have if I'd walked in on all that. I've only seen the photos and they made me sick. And it gave JD nightmares that first night." Of course hearing Ezra talk about killing himself probably made it worse, but he wasn't going to mention that detail. "I can't imagine what it was like walking in on that."

"Don't even try to Buck. You don't want to take yourself there. And whatever you imagine couldn't measure up to reality." Ezra closed his eyes, struggling against the memories that threatened him again. It was no use. He could hear his footsteps echoing in the silent home. He could smell the gunpowder, the drugs, the blood – the fear. But mostly, he could see the bodies. Mothers trying to hide the children, youngsters trying to run, dealers trying to fight back.

He started to shake. He wanted to stop it and couldn't. He could hear Buck calling to him, but was unable to answer. The world was closing in on him.

"Nathan! CHRIS! Somebody get out here." Buck screamed for help before moving in front of Ezra, taking him firmly in hand. "Ezra – you got to breathe. Ezra – you ain't breathing. Chris – get me a bag."

Nathan had already determined the situation, and firmly pushed Buck to the side, bringing a paper bag to Ezra's face. "Slow breaths Ezra – you need to take some slow breaths." The bag didn't move. "Come Ezra – you can do this. Focus. Don't make me tell Buck to start mouth to mouth. You'd hate the way a moustache tickles when that happens. Damn it Ezra, come on."

Chris reached over and started rubbing Ezra's back, hoping to trigger a reflex. The result was unexpected as Ezra leapt from his seat at the touch, with a startled gasp. He fell back against the wall and immediately started panting for air. Nathan again brought the bag to his face, and they watched in relief as it inflated and deflated for several minutes. Finally, Ezra raised his head to face them, not making I contact.

"Gentlemen-"

"I swear to God Ezra, if you apologize one more time for the way you are handling all of this I will knock you into the next county." Chris exploded. "You haven't got a damn thing to be ashamed of. We're the ones who should be sorry we can't help you any better."

"I'm the one to apologize Ezra." Buck was mortified by his actions. "I wasn't even thinking. I'm trying to tell you I'm sorry about stuff, and all I do is trigger a damned flashback. JD's right, I got the tact of a drunken elephant."

Ezra looked up stunned. Then he started to smile, and to the astonishment of all around, started laughing. "Ah shit – I did it again. He losing it Nathan?"

Nathan was grinning, but before he could answer, Ezra managed to catch his breath. "When, pray tell, did JD ever see a drunken elephant? And why would he imagine a sober one would have more tact?"

The tension vanished from the porch. Chris was laughing too hard to stand, and Nathan leaned back as well, letting Ezra out of his grasp. Buck alone stood stock still, not laughing at all. "I don't think it's all that funny."

"Oh, but it is Buck. I may never erase the image in my mind of you with full trunk and large ears." Ezra had tears rolling down his face, and for the first time in days they didn't bother him. Chris stood, holding out a hand to help Ezra up. He took it, and fell back into the chair immediately.

"Don't forget the leathery hide." Nathan added. "Grey leathery hide at that." He turned to look at Buck, winking with his face turned away from Ezra. Buck maintained his indignant, wounded pose.

"I'm trying to do something good here, and you all are laughing like hyenas."

"Yes Buck, you are correct. It is rude and inappropriate. And I regret to say that I simply cannot seem to help myself."

"Fine, you all have fun. I'm going in for a beer. You all can get you own." He stormed off, smiling broadly as soon as he was out of Ezra's line of sight.

"Nicely done there Pard." Vin and Josiah were waiting inside.

"Not really – I screwed up in the first place."

"No, he needed that release." Josiah corrected. "May not have been the best trigger, but it's not like it is the first anxiety attack he's had." The other two looked at him, surprised. "Why do you think Nathan had the bag handy? He and Chris have dealt with a couple of these. They're getting shorter though, and this is the first time he's laughed – really laughed – in days. Trust me Buck, however this started – it worked out for the best."

 _M7-M7-M7-M7-M7-M7-M7_

 _tbc_


	7. Chapter 7

Chris walked over to the patio doors, knowing what he would find when he stepped out. Sure enough, Buck sat alone on the bench, holding onto a beer like it was his last friend. Chris sighed quietly. Truth be told, going out there was that last thing he wanted to do. He was tired. The past few days, watching every move Ezra made, every move the others made toward him, had worn him down. But all it took was one look at Buck's face and he knew there was no option. He admitted to himself that he'd really known that all along. These were him men. His friends. When it came right down to it, that was all that mattered.

Buck looked up as Chris approached.

"Don't waste your breath. There's not a damn thing you can say to me that I haven't already told myself a dozen times."

"How about if I say stop beating your self up. Ezra's OK, or will be when he knows you are."

"Everything he's dealing with, and he's worried about me?"

"We worry about each other Buck. A little more this week than usual, but it is kind of what we do."

"You gotta believe me Chris – I had no idea he'd react like that. I never expected whatever the hell that was."

"Panic attack, anxiety attack. Not the first one he's had."

"First one I saw. Scary shit."

"He hides them well – always has."

"He's had them before? I mean before all of this?"

"Once or twice that I know of, but not for a long time. More when he started up with us. All the history, all the stress of what he'd been through. He plays everything so damn close to the vest, you never really know what bubbling up in him."

"That's what I was trying to get to. Thought I could get him riled up enough to take a swing at me."

"Why would you expect him to hit you?"

"Didn't have to be me. I just figured he'd feel better if he hit something, anything."

"No Buck, you feel better if you hit something. That's your way of dealing with anger. Vin's pretty much the same, although he holds back a bit better than you. More likely to find a punching bag and save me all the holes in the wall."

"I've helped you patch everyone I put there." Buck replied defensively.

Chris shrugged slightly and continued. "JD – he yells. Stomps around, has a bit of a tantrum to get it out of his system. Me – I drink. Josiah's the same. Not the smartest coping tool out there, but as long as we know why we're doing it, it seems to be manageable."

"Nathan?"

"Well now he is the odd man out here. He rarely gets angry, at least the kind of angry we mean. But when he does, he figures out who or what he's mad at, and does something about it. Confronts them, or fixes things, or looks for someway to set things back on track. Way to normal and healthy way to deal with it my book, but it works for him." He grinned wryly.

"So, hitting wouldn't work for Ezra – what does?"

"Ezra turns it all inside. He seems to figure whatever he's angry about is somehow, someway, his fault. Even this. Thinks he should have figured it out faster. Thinks he should have been there when it happened, like he could have stopped all the shooting somehow. It all ends up self-directed, and it starts eating away at him."

"Of the bunch of us, that sounds the most dangerous."

"Can be. Usually the anger goes away when the job is done. This time, it's not going away. Like I said, that wasn't his first attack. He's had a couple during the night that scared the life outta me."

"I never heard him."

"You wouldn't. In the first place, you could sleep through an earthquake. Your snoring drowns out everything else."

"Never had any complaints."

"And in the second place," Chris continued, ignoring the indigent interruption, "the attacks are quiet. You saw him on the porch. Didn't say a word."

"How do we fix this Chris?"

"We don't. We can't. Ezra is going to have to do that for himself. Don't get mad Buck – I didn't say by himself. We have to be there, whatever he decides about this. Whatever he decides to do."

"You think he's gonna quit."

"Don't know. We may need to face the fact it would be the best thing for him."

"How is walking away from us gonna be good for him?"

"Not us, the job."

"You know for him that would be the same thing – one leads to the other, and I ain't letting him walk away without a fight."

"You don't have to. But you do have to respect the final decision. That's where he'll need his fiends."

"After what I did to him earlier, you think I still count as a friend?"

"All the time you've known Ezra – you really have to ask that? Come on, let's go fix up some dinner. Ezra actually promise Nathan he'd eat instead of just play with his food tonight."

"Guess that's a start."

"Nah – he's already started just by talkin' to us. This is another step in the right direction."

JD drove back to the ranch that evening, almost bouncing as he exited the car. "We got him. We got him good. Attorney General issued the orders and Lambert was picked up. It'll be all over the news tonight. He was screaming about entrapment and frame-ups and everything under the sun. When the AG showed up Lambert folded like – like me playing cards against Ezra!"

He joined the others settled on the back patio. "Started trying to make a deal – offer evidence." He saw Ezra pale slightly. "Don't worry about it. No deals. Lambert is going to be made an example of. And, Detective Shelton was called in on it all too. Looks like some of the evidence from the house points to a couple of guys Lambert has used as informants in the past. They turned on him in a heartbeat. He's being charged with conspiracy for 9 counts for murder Ezra. I know it doesn't really help, but at least there's gonna be some justice for those folks."

"You're wrong JD. It helps. A lot. I know how hard you worked on this. Thank you doesn't really seem sufficient."

"It's all I need to hear. That and the sound of beer opening." He jumped up and headed inside, Vin following behind.

"So, Buck, have you forgiven me my outburst from earlier. I assure you the laughter was not meant to be at your expense."

"I'll take your word on that – this time. But see if I ever try to be understanding and sympathetic again."

Chris grinned. "True, it is against your basic nature." He ducked when a coaster was thrown at him.

Ezra looked up at the sound of the door, to see the others coming back, Vin with an extra beer in hand. "Thought you might be ready for a drink by now." Ezra had been avoiding any alcohol, concerned he might not stop once he started. Looking at his friends, he decided they just might be right about that, and he took the bottle. "Now that we're all here, I got some news for you."

"Just a moment Vin. I need to say this before I change my mind again. I'm going home in the morning Chris. I think I have imposed long enough on both your patience and your hospitality."

"Told you Ezra, it's been no imposition. You don't leave until you're ready too."

"I know – and I think I am. I may be back, possibly soon than I expect, but I feel I need to try to get back into my life."

"What is that going to entail son?"

"Well Josiah, for the first day or so I imagine it will be doing laundry and cleaning out my fridge."

"You have any slightly more long term plans?"

Ezra remained silent for a moment. Before he could put his thoughts to words, Vin spoke.

"Before you make any plans, I think there is something you should know about. JD's not the only one been looking into things in the last few days. Nathan made a mess of calls and I wore out the soles of a pair of boots looking for someone for you. Found her too. Found Jenny and her baby."

Ezra almost dropped his beer. He leaned forward slowly, afraid to ask for details.

"She wasn't at the house because she'd checked herself into a clinic. She's still there – 5 days into the program. Counsellor says she's doing real good. And the doctor says the baby is just fine. Bit small for her age, but healthy."

"How? Why?"

"I asked them about that." Nathan replied "She showed up the morning this all happened. Said she'd been up all night, thinking about the advice a friend gave her. Said this fellow told her it was never too late to start over, and if her own life was worth the effort, that of her baby sure was. She told them if a guy looking to be a drug king pin in the neighbourhood could still take the time to care about her, maybe she was worth the effort."

"She'd really doing OK?"

Vin nodded. "Better than OK. Her mom is coming to get her when she'd done with the program. Taking her, them, home. You saved her Ezra. You saved two more souls. That help with your scales a bit?"

He couldn't speak. He knew his voice would fail him if he tried.

"Oh, one more thing. Seems you aren't the be all and end all undercover man you think you are."

"Wait, she figured out he was a cop?" Chris couldn't believe that.

"Not exactly. She did say she couldn't really figure out why Henderson and the others were afraid of you. No one with such kind eyes could possibly hurt them. Guess your poker face slipped a bit there."

"Nonsense. I simply did not need to put effort into intimidating a child with my usual cold approach. She was no more aware of the truth than any of the others." The bluster gave him the opportunity to find his place again.

"That's where you're wrong Ezra?"

"Really – how do you come to that conclusion Josiah?"

"She looked into your eyes and saw the whole truth. She knew who you were even more than you did."

"Flummery!"

"Flummery? That's the best you've got?"

When he was so inclined, Ezra could imitate the Larabee glare with amazing precision. Chris, however, merely grinned.

"So, are any of you interested in my answer to Josiah's early question?" Silence settled. "As I had been about to say, and this wonderful news changes nothing, I have given a great deal of thought to what lies ahead for me. For us. I very much hope there can continue to be an "us". What I don't know, can't know at this point, is if I will be able to go in undercover like that again. One of the observations JD made was that I isolate myself when I do so. That is my choice, and always has been. I go in alone, and therefore have no responsibility to others. But that is only one side of the coin. It also means I lack the support of others. Not the job support. I have never once doubted you would be there for me when needed. But it is increasingly difficult not to lose myself in these roles. The point here is gentlemen, IF I am going to keep doing this, I can't keep doing it alone."

Chris spoke softly. "I never knew you felt that way Ezra. We never meant to leave you hanging like that. That's on me – I should have seen it."

"No Chris, it's on me. You didn't see it because I didn't let you. I don't know that I was even aware of it myself. I have spent my life keeping people at arm's length. I can't hurt them, and more importantly, they can't hurt me. Depending on others makes you weak, vulnerable. God – I had that totally backwards."

"You were well trained, in all the wrong ways."

"Yes, well a discussion of my mother's child rearing flaws is best left for another time Josiah. The point is, with the help of my friends I think I am finally beginning to see the light. To really see it. I may be starting to understand the ways I fit in."

"Ezra – undercover is only part of what you bring to the team. You know that right?"

"Chris is right." Nathan added. "You have a way of looking at things and reading people that just can't be taught. You're like a human lie detector."

"Didn't read Lambert very well."

"That's not true." Nathan challenged. "You never liked him. Never trusted him. Maybe you didn't figure out why, but you knew something was off. Just never figured how off, but then neither did anyone else."

"Perhaps. Regardless, once this Lambert business has settled a little more, and once I am able to get a few nights uninterrupted sleep, I think I will be ready to return to the office, which I can conclude from this discussion would be an acceptable outcome for all of you."

"Desk is there when you're ready. Don't wait too long though. Buck will leave all his paperwork on it for you to do."

"Well he does have a better way with words than any of us."

"Buck – anybody has a better way with words than you. Your last report consisted of "chased him, caught him, cuffed him."

"Well that covered the important parts Chris. The rest is just for show."

"A little bit of 'show' wouldn't kill you."

"I see no reason to take that chance."

Ezra leaned back in the chair, closing his eyes and enjoying the bantering at a level he wouldn't have imagined just a few days before.

"You need anything Pard?"

"Think I have everything I could ask for, thank you. Vin?"

"Yeah?"

"She really say that about me?"

"That you gave her good advice? Yup."

"No – about my eyes. Kind eyes?" He was astonished at the notion.

Vin smiled warmly, seeing the soul coming back to his friend. "Absolutely. She read you like a book Ez."

"I'll be damned."

 _M7-M7-M7-M7-M7-M7-M7_

 _tbc_

 _I wish to apologize to anyone who has been offended by, or has misunderstood my use of depression and anxiety attacks in this story. I assure you no harm, dismissal or insult was intended. I have experienced first-hand how terrifying and debilitating these experiences can be. If anything, this story was written with the intent of showing how love, support and friendship can help people through even the worst moments of their lives._


	8. Chapter 8

In the weeks since charges had been laid against Lambert, Team 7 had been kept busy. They'd been tasked with reviewing investigation the DA had been directly involved in, and it was quickly becoming evident the man was as corrupt as any criminal he'd ever prosecuted, and in fact worse than most. Four more murder conspiracy charges had been filed, and added to the lengthy list of other acts, it was clear the man would never see the outside world again.

JD and Vin had also discovered a number of cases where Lambert had manipulated evidence, sending scapegoats to prison for his own crimes. By their early count, there had to be a least half a dozen men who would soon be released, with reputations restored. All in all, it had been a good six weeks.

Or would have been if they'd had the full team working together. Despite his plans, his stated intentions, Ezra did not come back to work. He'd left the ranch as planned, making an effort to step back into a routine. But good intentions weren't enough. After three days in a row of driving to the office, and turning back before pulling into the parking lot, he accepted things were not where they should be. Rather than talking to Chris, or any of the others, he opted to call Judge Travis, and arranged to meet the man away from the work environment.

"You're looking good Standish. "

"Proof again that looks can be deceiving. I realize it is still very early in the investigation but I am wondering if you have determined if I will be required for testimony on any of the charges?" He dreaded facing Lambert in court, or anywhere else. He had formulated dozens of ways of killing the man, most of which reflected a side of himself darker than even he had imagined. He remained unsure of how he would react to an actual face to face confrontation, but had been included it would be best for him to be unarmed at that time.

"Right to the point. OK. No, we're finding more than enough to put him away without your needing to be anywhere near him."

"Good." There was a moment of uncomfortable silence. "I suppose, to use the cliché, you are wondering why I asked you here."

"Not really sure I want to know. Have to admit to having a bad feeling."

"I believe I will take that as a compliment, since I suspect I know what you are assuming. I should ease your mind. It is not my desire to retire from the ATF, or to disassociate myself from the team."

The judge allowed himself a none to silent sigh of relief. "That may be the best news I've had in a while Standish."

"I think you overestimate my worth."

"No – you underestimate it. Not just as an agent, and not just as an undercover agent. You haven't seen the way the others have been in the last week. Yeah, they've been doing the job, and doing it well. This one was important to them."

"All jobs are important to them."

"You know what I mean Standish. This one is for you, and they aren't taking any chances. Which has made them a little, well let's call it difficult to be around." Ezra gave a questioning look. "Nobody wants to step foot into the office. Clerks go in there to deliver files and half the time come out in tears. Cleaning staff won't darken the door. They need you back."

"Which makes it all the more difficult for me to deliver my decision to you."

"You just said you weren't leaving."

"No, but neither am I coming back. At least, not right now. I need more time – time away from here. From all of this. And away from them."

"I thought they were giving you room."

"They are. As difficult as this may be for you to accept Judge, I am having difficulty find a way to express myself on this. I feel their presence, and it is overwhelming to me."

Travis decided it was time to set aside his official status for a moment. "Hate to tell you this Ezra, but I think you could go to a deserted island on the other side of the world, and you'd still feel that. It's called friendship."

"Perhaps, but I need to try, for a time."

"It's only been a few days Ezra. You need to give yourself some time. I won't lie to you and pretend that I don't know you've seen the shrink. He has to report your visits. Doesn't tell me a word of what you said – only that you were there."

"I am cognisant of his obligations."

"You listening to him?"

"I hear what he says. I am not entirely certain I can follow his guidance."

"So, he's telling you to let yourself off the hook on this. He wouldn't have to tell me that's what he said to you. It's what you need to hear, and what you won't listen to."

Ezra was frustrated by how accurate the assessment was, both from the doctor and the judge.

"It never ceases to amaze me how many people think they understand me."

"Don't worry Ezra – you remain an enigma to most everyone. But when you have friends like the ones you have, well they read you better than you'd think. Better than you'd like."

Ezra decided to stop tiptoeing around the issue. "I'm leaving town. Dr. Phillips will be sending you the paperwork for indefinite leave. I believe I have sufficient time available."

"Don't worry about that end of things."

"I have composed a letter for you to deliver to Chris. He should communicate it to the others as well. I can't call them, or see them. I don't believe I could process what they would say. Please explain it to them." He stood to leave, but was stopped when the judge gripped his arm.

"You do what you have to Ezra – they'll understand that. But whatever you decide, you come back to tell them. They deserve that." Ezra nodded, and walked away.

They didn't take the news well.

"Why the hell did you let him leave?"

"Would you like to rephrase that question Wilmington?" The judge glared at the agent.

"No."

"Yes, he would." JD answered at the same time. "He means wasn't there anything you could do to stop him, sir?"

Still staring at Buck, he answered JD. "What would you have had me do – arrest him? Deny him medical leave? He has to deal with this in whatever way he can. Look," he turned to include the others in his comments, "I have some idea of what went on out at the ranch. Don't forget, I was there for some of it. I know he's hurting because of all of this. I think he's going to come through it. I've seen his history, what he's dealt with before. And he's stronger than he thinks he is. Add to that he's got all of you, and a firm need to not let you down. Yeah – I think he'll be back." He pulled out the letter. "I'm supposed to give you this."

He turned to leave, passing Buck on the way out. The agent took a half step to move in front of him. "Thanks for being there for him." The judge nodded his acknowledgement.

Chris opened the letter, scanning it over before reading it aloud.

"Initially, I have to declare most emphatically that I am not running out you – on any of you. That is one promise on which I shall never renege. Whatever decision I make, whatever conclusions I reach, I will come back to you to explain my reasoning. I cannot tell you when that will be. More than days, but less than months, I assure you. And in an effort to provide you with some peace of mind, I shall contact at least one of you each day. I ask only in return that you do not trace the source. Or at least, that you do not try to contact me once you have located me.

I know you all offer me your support, and your friendship. Now I need you to offer me the space to decide on my future. I shall remember what each of you has said to me and done for me not just in the past days, but in the past years."

Chris folded the note up and tucked it into a drawer. "That's it?" JD questioned. "That's all he said?"

"What did you expect JD?" Vin asked

"I don't know, but that doesn't really say much."

"It says plenty. Mostly though, it says he trusts us."

Buck looked at Josiah. "How do you get that from what he said? He's left us. Doesn't want our help. You see that as trusting us?"

"Yes. He let us know he's going, and by promising to stay in touch, he is in effect letting us know where. If we have to find him, we can. And he all this through the judge. Didn't skip out, didn't leave in the middle of the night. Told his boss he was going, and did it all through channels. That's a man who wants to come back if he can find the way."

"But he said he doesn't want our help."

"He did? I didn't hear that JD. I heard him telling us how much he appreciates our friendship and support. How much he needed to hear what we all had to say. That's our help. We gave it to him. He's just working out how he's going to accept it."

"I'm gonna find out where he is."

Buck grinned at his young friend. "Course you are – he wouldn't have it any other way. But you're not doing anything with that information – right?"

JD sighed. "Not unless I have to."

"OK – now if all that is settled let's get back to work. I want all this Lambert stuff wrapped up and out of the office when Ezra comes back. Be best for him to have a clean start on something new." The team left the office, heading back to their search. Chris sat at the desk and pulled the note out, re-reading it. All of it this time. He hadn't shared the final paragraph.

"I wish I could share some sense of optimism, or even vague hope with you all, but to do so would only feed a false sense of promise. If forced at this moment to make a choice, I would be, if not leaving law enforcement, at the very least altering my involvement. I cannot envision the day I would again willing enter the criminal world. Would again submerge myself in the mire and filth which that would entail. I no longer have that strength. At best, I hope to devise a way that my past experiences, and the insight gained through both by professional encounters and my previous colourful history would allow me the opportunity to serve as some form of consulting agent within the ATF. I fully understand this is not the outcome you all desire, and I would give anything I could to change that, but I see nothing in my future that reflects that possibility. I am truly sorry."

"I'm sorry too Ezra." Chris spoke softly. "Sorry we couldn't give you what you needed." He folded the note again, this time standing to lock it in his safe, away from any risk of discovery.

 _M7-M7-M7-M7-M7-M7-M7_

 _tbc_


	9. Chapter 9

Ezra kept his promise over the weeks that followed, texting or emailing at least one team member per day. He rotated the contact for the first couple of weeks, then narrowed it down to JD or Vin most of the time. The message was always short, and generally consisted of simply stating that things were going as well as he could have expected, and some days a little better than accepted. That regularity was why, on the Friday of the sixth week, the men sat arguing options at the corner table in their favorite bar.

"OK, so he's a bit later than usual contacting us. Just because we usually hear from him midday is no reason to get into a panic JD." Chris tried to keep his voice calmer than his actual state of mind. Ezra had never been this late – not once. Sure, it was only about 4 hours later than he'd ever been, but it seemed like forever. And yesterday's message hadn't helped.

" _I have concluded there really is only option open to me. I suppose I knew this all along at some level, but until now was unwilling, or unable to accept it. Sometimes, there simply is no choice."_

"I tried calling him."

"JD – I thought we had an understanding."

"He's late Buck. And you heard what he said yesterday. I had to try."

"And?"

"Phone is off. Not even voicemail. I think we need to go find him."

"IF you are right in assuming he made a decision, and IF you are right in what you think that decision is, what makes you think he's still in – where the hell has he been?"

"Georgia – where else would he be?"

"He went back home?" Nathan was surprised by JD's pronouncement. Ezra had rarely spoken fondly of his childhood.

"Not home really. He never stayed around one place long enough to call anything home from what he's said."

"But," Josiah presumed to explain, "he has always considered himself to be a Son of the South. Not sure he'd call Georgia home, but would be a logical source of solace to him right now. But Buck is right. What makes you think he'd still be there?"

"Don't know that he is, but we have to start somewhere."

OK – everybody just step back a minute. First off, he asked us to give him space, yet the second anything goes wrong you assume the worst. Thought we'd all agreed we had more faith in him than that."

"I do, we do. But – hell Chris. This is just too much. Even before today it was too much. I've been ready to get on a plane for the past week. It's only because I don't want him mad at me that I haven't done it."

"Have to admit Chris, I feel the same as the kid." Buck shrugged. "I just feel like we ain't doing what we should for him."

"We're doing what he asked."

"Are we. Leaving him alone for this long?"

"I know it feels wrong Vin. Troubles me too." Josiah's body language spoke to his mood. "But we have to believe in him."

There was silence at the table again. Chris tried to lift the mood. "And why are we are assuming there isn't a perfectly logical explanation for him to have not contacted us, and for his phone to be off? There must be at least a dozen reasons for that."

"Name one." JD challenged.

"Well," came a voice from the door, "it could be because the phone was in flight mode while I was coming home."

Ezra was all but knocked of his feet by the stampede of his friends. It was only thanks to the fact Josiah got there first, and had lifted him off his feet in a bear hug that kept him from being bowled over by the others.

"If you don't mind Josiah, I would appreciate being allowed to breathe."

The big man put him down, steering him over to the table. Chris was waving for another round of drinks, which Inez, being both manager and friend, had anticipated and was already pouring. A moment later she deposited a couple of pitchers on the table and set down a glass of Ezra's preferred brandy in front of him. Before he could thank her, she leaned down giving him a warm, welcoming kiss. Buck was so pleased at Ezra's return, he didn't even bother to get jealous.

"You should've let us know you were flying in. We'd have picked you up." Nathan was smiling broadly.

"I wasn't sure when I'd arrive. It was all a rather last minute arrangement. I had to take care of a few details in Georgia before heading home."

"Second time you've called this home Ezra. Hope that means what I think it does."

"An astute observation Vin. And yes, my intention is to remain here, and with the ATF assuming my position is still available."

"Don't even have to ask that. Buck will have his crap off your desk before you come to work tomorrow."

"Uh, Chris. Tomorrow is Saturday." Buck pointed out.

"What? We've worked weekends before. OK fine, Monday. It'll take him that long to clean the mess anyway."

"Um, Ezra?"

"Not now JD." Vin hissed, while at the same moment Nathan kicked him under the table.

Ezra grinned slightly. He had almost forgotten how much like a kindergarten class this group could be.

"Yes JD, you have a question?"

"No, that's OK, it'll keep." He tried to rub his shin without being noticed.

"Might I hazard a guess as to the nature of your inquiry. I doubt you were about to question whether I enjoyed my flight, and I assume the weather in Georgia would be of no interest to you. That narrows down you questions to either the state of my health, or my career plans. Would that be a reasonable conclusion?"

"Didn't mean to pry Ezra" he answered, looking down.

"And I didn't mean to tease you JD. I do appreciate your concern."

"Care to share an answer?" Buck risked the wrath of the others.

"I'm not entirely sure this is the ideal venue for such a discussion Buck?"

"Why not? Pretty much our home away from home, and besides, anytime you're with friends is the right time, wouldn't you say?"

Ezra looked at the anxious faces that surrounded him. Chris remained neutral on first glance, but Ezra's practiced eye could see the slight tension around his eyes, the minute pulling at his mouth. Vin and Nathan were a bit easier to read. Both wanted to hear the answer, and at the same time didn't want this moment ruined if it wasn't what they were hoping for. As for Buck and JD; well Ezra was wishing this had been a poker game, because those two couldn't bluff right now if their lives depended it. The only calm face at the table was Josiah. If Ezra had to guess, he would almost suppose the big man already knew what decision had been reached. It was more likely, on reflection, that Josiah had simply decided to accept the decision, and do whatever was needed to make things work out.

He reached for his brandy and took a small sip. "I am assuming, from the tone of the gathering here tonight that you received and shared my last message. That I had concluded there was only one choice – that there had always been only one choice."

"Yeah Ezra – we got it. Damned if we can agree on what that choice is." Chris's voice betrayed some of the tension he fought to hide. Why couldn't Ezra just, for once, give a simple, straight answer?

"Really? Strange, since you all seemed to have reached the conclusion long before I was able to ascertain the truth."

"Only conclusion we reached is that we're a family, and we do whatever we need to do for each, with each other." Vin smiled, realizing where Ezra was going.

Chris too, relaxed slightly. "You saying what I think you are?" Ezra merely nodded. "You sure – really sure? You gotta be doing this for you, not for us."

"That is rather the point Chris. Doing it for you is what is right for me. The only way I can heal, the only way I can continue to cope with what is my reality is to do so with the help and support of my family, if I may be so presumptuous."

"OK, let me get this right. You're back, you're staying here, and you're staying on the team? You still going to do undercover?"

"Don't push him JD."

"Quite alright Chris. Yes JD, assuming I can get all the necessary medical clearances, I will resume the role seem to have been born to play."

"There are going to be some changes made Ezra. No more going in alone, no more isolation."

"Chris-"

"Not up for debate. Vin said it, you said it – we're family. A weird little family to be sure, but family. And family sticks together. If we can't find a way to make sure you have back-up, well to hell with that. We **will** find a way. Period."

"Just 'cause you can do it alone, doesn't mean you have to." Vin added. "There is always a way to get one of us in with you."

"Except me – right Ezra. Cause I can't tell a lie to save my life." JD smiled.

"No, but you could to save mine. Oh, I'm not implying you did JD. I believe that you believe every word you said to me all those weeks ago. Just as I believe everyone of you will be there for me, just as I intend to be there for you." He took a deep breath, trying to regain his composure. He finished his drink in one quick swallow. "So, assuming there are no further issues that demand immediate redress, I would ask if any of you are sober enough to drive me home, or should I call for alternate transportation?"

"Ah, why you want to leave so early Ezra. We've got some celebrating to do." Buck clearly was not in consideration as a driver.

"Might I suggest," Josiah offered, "that we move this party out to the ranch. I'm sure we can get a couple of cabs to ferry us out there, and we can spend a couple of days figuring out exactly what new protocols we can put in place to restore Team 7 to its former glory."

Chris stood, wobbling slightly. "That is an excellent proposal. Inez – the bill if you please."

"Please add the evening's refreshments to my tab Inez."

"That don't seem right. Party is for you, and you only had one drink."

"It's quite alright Buck. I'm sure the scales will tip back in my favour with but a single poker game at the ranch."

As they headed out for the night, Chris fell into step beside Ezra, holding him back slightly. "You really sure about this. They never saw that last paragraph, but I did. You were pretty clear on not wanting to go undercover anymore Ezra. Mire, filth, isolation? Ring any bells?"

"Every word was true when I wrote that Chris. It required that I have time away to gain the perspective that was lacking in the immediacy of all that had transpired."

"And that means?"

"Only by stepping away from the horror of that world was I able to realize I was never really in it. And that I wasn't alone. If I had been, I would have fallen apart years ago. Why I did fall apart years ago. My time in the FBI – never did I have even an element of the backing I have here. When things went bad there, I was abandoned. When things went bad here – worse than bad, I was surrounded by nothing less than full support, concern and compassion. Are you aware of what Judge Travis replied when I informed him I had to get away from you all to be able to think clearly? He said there was no escaping what you all were to me. I had no notion at the time how accurate that assessment was. I could not be isolated from you if I chose to be. And why, pray tell, would I ever make such a foolish choice?"

"You can tell we all want you back, but you have to be sure being an undercover agent for the ATF Is really the way you want things to be. We can't go through something like this again. Don't know that any of us would survive it."

Ezra smiled, and for the first time since this all began Chris saw the shine in Ezra's eyes as well as from the gold tooth. "I have had more than enough time to think thing through and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind Chris. I simply cannot see a future for myself that does not include that role, and this team. This family."

 _M7-M7-M7-M7-M7-M7-M7_

The end.

 ** _Thank you all for the wonderful reviews and kind words. My ego and I appreciate it._**


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